Forward...

Turn and look at me, see how I search your soul for something to believe, turn and watch me leave you. I stand before you stronger than I have ever been before, yet when I walk away tears stream down my checks hotter than the sun on my skin. You see how I shine as my shadow slowly creeps your way while I walk into the sunset. Just when you think it is time to reach for me you come to find only the cold darkness of my former self. As I walk to a new door and reach for the handle I stop to reflect upon my love for you. In the beginning I yearned, in the end I cried and now I am walking away. As the door opens I see a future of unknown surroundings and for the first time I am no longer scared of being alone in this world. My first steps are my own and my thoughts stick with me as my true self. I surrender to nothing but my own mistakes and I have made so many up until this point. How many more could there possibly be? How many more lessons are there for me to teach and learn as I step slowly upon my uncharted ground I now call my future.

Feelings...

My life is black and white on paper, my true feelings are in color. My heart knocks on my brain and I am still stuck in the middle of what I have started to end and started to begin. I am stuck in a hole of something that consists of bits of sweetness with shards of destruction. In mind I scream, in heart I trudge forward thinking that maybe those shards will become smooth.

To my best friend who was never there...

I have fought constantly with my emotions and how I feel, what should I do in any circumstance? Everyday I wake up I think of you and how you are doing. My heart just cringes at the thoughts of how you disregarded me. It seems forever since your voice has elated my ears and mind with happiness. All the while I have sat here wanting something, anything, just one speck of hope for a feeling to come from your well of a soul. Debating in my head whether this is right or that is wrong makes every second seem like a war within myself. I dream of future days and of a brighter sun coming down upon me waking up my senses. Praying night after night that my loneliness will disappear.

Standing there in front of me you seem so real. I touch you and you are warm, your eyes when I met you were the deepest blue and now they have faded. I don’t know why, but something has happened to take you away from who you truly are inside. Could it be your sickness over taking you from behind?

Clawing for the right fight...

One year from now I will travel down an uneasy road blind folded yet smiling the whole way due to my utter happiness. Halfway down this path my blind fold will come off and I will be surrounded by warm light caressing my body as if to say welcome to the world. Thank-you for awakening the world to the light of an angel. Nothing brings about so much emotion then the joy of others as my feelings are slowly slipping out of me like the waters of life. The worlds colors and hues will rush off my finger tips from my mind onto cotton fibers. These fibers will hold the very images of the unusual, images that the world only thought existed in their slumbers visions. It will be this moment that the person standing before my art will realize their dreams have come true right before their eyes.

Image of what could soon be my reality...

Pondering took seconds for me to create an image of what I want to turn around and find standing there waiting for me. I have a vision in my mind that has not yet become my reality. Everyday, I am searching for the one who will bring my heart back to a rapid pace. He will smile, I will melt. He will hold me as I get weak. His passion will connect with my eyes and my body will just know, as slow rising tears stream down my flushed cheeks. His words will create magical volumes to my soul creating a book entitled "Angel" opening it, reading it, never shutting the cover and only adding more chapters.

Have you ever been in a moment where you feel there was a chance but you passed it up? I have come close to my image of perfection. He was only one step away. Could that have been him? If it was do I deserve a second chance? My heart pounds within it's cage so passionately at my visions of love. Closing my eyes I day dream of romance beyond anyone's control, tears well up and I reach out for my yearning. At night I search for you my darling so dear, I call your name in my dreams but I can't hear it... I beg of you to come out of the darkness and into my light for I am waiting so patiently for you to take me away.

Slow rise in the project called life..

Since stepping away from a relationship I have begun to realize that my soul was slowly dwindling into nothing. I finally reached up from my grave that was dug by my resistance to change and pulled myself out of my sorrow. Dusting myself off, remembering that I am someone who has talent. It is time I thought about myself instead of a person who takes me for granted. So instead of thinking "I can't", today and in the future it is "I can do anything". Stepping slowly toward goals, toward my talents, toward my future that is going to be bright. I am beginning to make myself proud. At this moment I must rise, so today I started a project called life. This project will consist of all my energy for I believe my awakening will take me to the places I need to be to grow.