Walk away...

The moment you get hope is the moment someone fucks it up again. Who knows where you are or what you are doing, but I can't wait around. I will never feel like I did before again with anyone, not even you. I have lost all hope in love. I surrender to trying, I no longer look for anyone who is meant to be. Seems when I rise I fall, so I no longer wish to rise. I am too nice to everyone and never nice to myself. Today, I am finished trying it's time someone else tried. Perhaps someone can show me what love is and I challenge you to do so; however, I don't believe that it is possible, I don't see it being possible and I understand everything.

So with it all out, I let you walk away silently only to look back and wonder how my road would lead you.

Hope...

I feel it inside. I am not sure if I could let go just yet. I laugh, I smile but I already know so much that would make me sad. This is what they don't know, this is how they are timid and shy. I feel life loving me and giving me my warning signs. I am lucky in a sense yet unlucky on the other hand. As I walk through my shadows and come up on light. I sense myself stopping to look at how bright it seems to be outside of the darkness. I build and build these gorgeous foundations only to watch them fall before me, destroyed by catastrophes of living, feeling, emotion, and heart. I want to build again and perhaps my foundation needs a new method. I feel I have that potential underlying in myself. Slowly I will find myself warming to the light beating down upon my skin and once again I will feel alive like never before. I will reach out and grab your hand and you will bring me back to who I really am. Then you will proceed to bring me out of what I once called myself, into what I am in reality. Nothing will be held back, keep that as a warning, nothing will be missed between you and I. As I walk between our intertwined dreams I want to look into your eyes and feel safe, protected and at ease with who we are to each other. In that gaze, we are lost while the world offers its vitality to us.

Reason

Tonight alone in my room I went through emotions, feelings, sickness, being lonely. I keep myself busy as much as I can but I still think about you. It's hard to feel left behind, to feel betrayed...but I have faith in one thing. My soul is too bright to be forgotten. I am a good girl, better than most out there and I know this inside myself.

To quote a song, "I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know. I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be.. a reason to start over new and the reason is you. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through. I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears. Thats why I need you to hear, I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be.. a reason to start over new. And the reason is you. I'm not a perfect person, I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know.. I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new.. and the reason is you. I found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know a reason for all that I do.. and the reason is you."

Drained of my own words.

Story never changes...there is a reason that black and white has a right answer...

2.939925468 14

I'm not as strong as you make me out to be, it is true my words ring out the air of toughness. If I was weak I would not be here; hence, survival of the fittest. The words I ring to you are what I need to say. Taking what I say out of context only makes confusion amongst your own self. I have given you all of who I am, the good, the bad, the ugly and there is nothing more inside of me to reveal. Today the good out shines the bad. Yet, the pain I feel makes me cry and I am not ashamed of showing my emotions. Condemn me if you must, but I will still cry, still let you know how I feel. You dislike me for what you loved, dislike me for what you brought out of me and now I sit here alone. After everything I have given, everything I have endured, I must let it all go. I have learned a lot, I have become a new person and I hope you will realize that some day. I have never cheated on you, never put you down to anyone and always stood by your side. Yet, no I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I have yelled, screamed, gone unbelieveably crazy, been irrational at times and I am glad I have had the chance to step back. I can tell the world what I have done and still stand. I am not ashamed of who I have been and I am glad I am here today but get one thing straight-I am strong but only as strong as your eyes make me for when I tell you I am lonely those words are completely true. Never did I want to see you walk away, never did I lie about our standings, but darling dear we were on and off-when you told me to see other people, what is that to me? When you moved out, what is that to me? When you didn't talk to me-honestly, what is that to me? You can not say that we were not on and off.

I pray you will clear up the clouds that loom over your head. I don't know how you are going to open or if you ever will. I wish you the best of luck and through it all, everything-laughter, smiles, playing, looking in your eyes, holding you/holding me, struggles in life, triumphs, crying, those moments of life... I will always be there for you no matter what. I am not sure if you would do the same for me but, I can always hope that you will once again be real. I will always love the truth in you, I will always love every part of the puzzle that makes us complicated. Everything happens for a reason-hopefully the shards of emotion pulled out of both of us brings us down to earth.

Love,
"the internet thug"

He says...

"if you die, I'll miss you."

There is a reason as to why I care so much. A reason for everything. I can normally let go, normally walk away. These feelings are not the same as others. Why is it I care, why is it you hurt me, why is it my tears make you happy?

So dying could mean walking in the world yet dissapearing from you. So if I vanish, would you miss me then. Because if I am dead then what good would it be to miss me at that moment? For when I am dead there is nothing you can say, nothing you can do... to be honest I am dying inside.

Everyday for five minutes...

There is this or that? What I thought I wanted or what I have experienced? This situation or that one? I use to think I wanted you. I use to think I wanted to be married. I use to think I wanted that family. I still feel it. Mornings are lonely. The pulling is still there. If I move through it, it goes away. Nights are easier because I am exhausted. I try to find ways to make my mind forget. I don't know if you will ever go away. I don't know if that is what I want. I don't know whether it would be right or wrong. I feel it's forced. So forced is how it will be. I find myself sitting for hours contemplating will this happen or perhaps that? I am in love with love. I love to be held, touched, looked at, hugged...I love to laugh, play, flirt,dance, sing...I want to cherish someone and I want someone to cherish me. So I wish.

By your side...Feb 16th, 2005

I want to extend my best wishes to you and everyone grieving in this sad time. I pray that everything works out smoothly and happiness overtakes the situation with bright memories of those that past. No one can stop the inevitable from happening and at the same time no one can stop the soul from living on. A soul will always thrive in smiles and laughter bringing warmness to those hearts that experienced all the special moments in life with the one they loved so dear. May any tears that are shed wipe away the sadness and heal the wounds of loss. Life will move on differently as it did before, with immense love and luck, for everyone who was touched will have one more angel on their side.

My sincerest regards,

Love,Chantelle
2/16/2005

January 24th,2005

This journey of trials, stories and life leads us on a road that sometimes seems bumpy other times smooth as ice. Reflections bring tears, happiness even heart break as we walk on toward what we make of the road that lies ahead. Silence brings clarity, clarity brings understanding and understanding brings peace in the mist of haze. When my eyes close I dream of what makes my heart happy, not even in these dreams can anyone be made to love another in a way that they should be. In a perfect world no one walks ahead of the one they love, no one talks down, they are respected on every level, moods and personal issues do not reflect upon that person, even when friends are around this person treats the one they love with the same amount of tenderness they would show even if they weren't there. There are always times when two people joke around and have fun poking and prodding, wrestling and giggling.

Tears fill the voids when I am alone. Streams of salt water rush out of my eyes as I sit alone and listen to music, write or even draw. I find myself wanting something more in my heart. I know I am worth loving, I know I have given up a lot of myself to this emptiness. I spend days alone not even talking to anyone. On the outside I force myself to look happy. The tears come randomly everyday, it seems as though if I don't cry then I am not putting my whole heart into what I am doing. I lay in bed cold and separated from who I am. I wish for anything to come along and sweep me up from this abyss. I fall asleep to the silence of my thoughts, to the silence of my voice in my mind. What would I give for someone to wrap their arms around me, what I would give for that love?

I reach out beside myself and find that there is nothing to hold. I see this illusion of what could be there but always when I am staggering I try to hold it's hand and I fall. I am not sure how long I can fall before I die inside. I can make it, I can make it, I can, I can but I want this love. I want this love, this life that fulfills me, surrounds me constantly taunting me with it's presence. Every time I am around it I reach for it's light and I wish so deeply that it would just crack wide open and let my beauty shine along with it. One day peace will come along side me on this road. One day my smile will be true and I will look up and the warmth of that loving hand will help me up from where I have been sitting and we will walk together, side by side. In hopes of embarking on this joy I close my eyes at night and lay in the darkness to get closer to your light, your truth, your love.

Writing by Chantelle
January 24th, 2005

Better than a feeling...

Been through those times where I thought I would never get anything, never have anything, do anything, be loved as though I were the most beautiful girl in the world and I fell into this spinning feeling of self loss. I have fought my way back to who I am inside, who I am to the world. To those feelings of nothing good will come I look up towards the bright blue sky and think of the past and think of the future and say fuck that. I am better than a feeling, I am a person who has so much inside that the whole world is missing out if I don't unleash it. So to the stresses of everyday, to the loss I have endured, to the love that isn't wanted, to the dumbass who scratched my car.. I just want to say.. fuck you, for you will not stop who I am meant to be. So come on world keep it coming I'm ready.

Slipping

Ends into beginnings..
This house use to be a home,
and now I am all alone.
It changes everyday,
while you just fade away.