Reoccuring leaf...

Funny thing, I don't remember midnight at all this year. How ironic, maybe I didn't want to see it coming. Maybe, just maybe, I wanted to forget that another year had gone by filled with questions. Where am I going? What am I doing? When will I wake up and realize? I stop, think and find myself in complete amazement that I actually live on my own. When the hell did that happen? How do I even do it all alone?

My mind races to all those annoying questions. When will I get my bills paid off? If I could just get one cut down I know I could move without a hitch. There is always something waiting in the dark ready to spring out at me. Pay this, pay that. Shit, why do I even worry about it?

And then the dreaded question that has haunted my soul ever since I was five, I remember sitting on the floor wondering to myself, my mind ticking. Tick, tick, tick, beating on my brain asking where will I go when I die? I mean really I will not be here anymore so where will I go? I will not be here anymore. No more, nothing, empty, gone, nonexistent, alive no longer, my heart that once beat will stop and I will be no longer. Spiraling down, deeper, deeper, my heart races faster, faster as I stare out into space. Here I am alive worried about where I will be dead. Around and around the questions go through my body almost consuming me in darkness and even fear. I would jolt out of my trance and tell myself to get up and just walk it off. On and off since that day I have come full circle numerous times debating this subject with myself.

The next time was fourteen. Around and around I fall, a loud snap comes from nowhere and I jolt back to reality. Nineteen, what will happen? Twenty-three, waking up in the morning looking in the mirror asking, why am I here? Twenty-seven, falling into a trance, people talking in the background and once again the haunted theories rap upon my heart with a boom, boom, BOOM where will I go when I die? Why must I ponder this question? Why must I weigh a lot of questions that have haunted me since I was small? Tonight starts the images that have followed me up until now. Image one, death and what becomes of us?