January 24th,2005

This journey of trials, stories and life leads us on a road that sometimes seems bumpy other times smooth as ice. Reflections bring tears, happiness even heart break as we walk on toward what we make of the road that lies ahead. Silence brings clarity, clarity brings understanding and understanding brings peace in the mist of haze. When my eyes close I dream of what makes my heart happy, not even in these dreams can anyone be made to love another in a way that they should be. In a perfect world no one walks ahead of the one they love, no one talks down, they are respected on every level, moods and personal issues do not reflect upon that person, even when friends are around this person treats the one they love with the same amount of tenderness they would show even if they weren't there. There are always times when two people joke around and have fun poking and prodding, wrestling and giggling.

Tears fill the voids when I am alone. Streams of salt water rush out of my eyes as I sit alone and listen to music, write or even draw. I find myself wanting something more in my heart. I know I am worth loving, I know I have given up a lot of myself to this emptiness. I spend days alone not even talking to anyone. On the outside I force myself to look happy. The tears come randomly everyday, it seems as though if I don't cry then I am not putting my whole heart into what I am doing. I lay in bed cold and separated from who I am. I wish for anything to come along and sweep me up from this abyss. I fall asleep to the silence of my thoughts, to the silence of my voice in my mind. What would I give for someone to wrap their arms around me, what I would give for that love?

I reach out beside myself and find that there is nothing to hold. I see this illusion of what could be there but always when I am staggering I try to hold it's hand and I fall. I am not sure how long I can fall before I die inside. I can make it, I can make it, I can, I can but I want this love. I want this love, this life that fulfills me, surrounds me constantly taunting me with it's presence. Every time I am around it I reach for it's light and I wish so deeply that it would just crack wide open and let my beauty shine along with it. One day peace will come along side me on this road. One day my smile will be true and I will look up and the warmth of that loving hand will help me up from where I have been sitting and we will walk together, side by side. In hopes of embarking on this joy I close my eyes at night and lay in the darkness to get closer to your light, your truth, your love.

Writing by Chantelle
January 24th, 2005