Yes, you can come in...

Welcome to my mind, my heart and to my passions of my soul. In the past there was one who would read through my hand written stories, my journals, my soul only to taint them with their ugliness and negativity toward anything beautiful that came from my mind. A fight ensued one day and everything came crumbling down upon my body as if I had been thrown in a building with the walls quickly rushing down upon me as I frantically clawed to get out turning only to have no where to go, caged as if I were an animal trapped. These words I write down are precious, sacred and mine. They are combinations that no one else can possess, no one else can witness unless I allow it to be seen. Reflecting back to the past, those words that were arranged so carefully were taken away from me because of one's greediness for a doorway to my soul that is never open for the unwanted. Those writings were burnt in the driveway of my home. I sat here and watched you read on the other day as he had in the past making me feel as if I were being beaten and raped of my feelings, emotions and soul. All my pain, all my tears, all my strength for life is poured out on paper and has been trespassed on once again. However, the difference between then and now is that I invite you in after so rudely swinging open my unlocked door. I hand over the key because I love and most of all consider you a friend above everything else.

Expectations: Roller coaster ride for two?

I heard that the person who cares the least is the person who controls the situations. I can see how this statement can be true. Everyday I devote myself to making good choices and finding the right paths with strategic thought processes. No matter how nice, how understanding, how sweet and good there always seems to be a rift. Speaking your mind to a person who tells you that this is the way it is, this is the way it should be, you must do this or that in order to get this conclusion. My rebuttal consists of it is not one person telling the other what to do but expressing how something makes you feel. In seconds I can see the wall of separation and the retreat of personality, inching back and out with the rise of selfishness and emotionless exits. Yell at me, tell me who you think I am. Keep yelling at me, keep telling me what I do wrong. Yell at me as I look up at you and hurt inside. Step back, leave and figure it out yourself. Play your games but when you come back from whatever made you mean don’t act as though you love me, don’t play with me when no one is around then turn evil once they enter the room, don’t talk to me nice for hours then at a moments notice turn into the ass you are so good at being. Every time you run out only to come back to expect me to be that stone cold rock that never changes. Stop to realized that I have changed, think about all the shit I take that I never took before and for what? What do I get in this experience? All these feelings wrapped up in a tight ball of choking frustration pulls me deeper into this roller coaster of excitement and wonder paralleled with fear of when you are going to snap again. The joys are heights I have never been to and the pains are lows that are deeper then hell itself. You take me away from what I need to be yet here I stand strong for you, strong for me nevertheless strong enough to walk on my own where you left me only to creep in when it feels right for who you are now. This ride needs to stop at some point. I am an individual this I have figured out for myself, my soul, my life but as an individual I am a puzzle piece of a whole conglomerate that pulls together the big picture of who I am and one piece will only be found by that one person who treats me with the respect, love, and the same support I reflect out upon my love, in essence it must be a mirror image of someone from my parallel world, with thoughts of surprise that bring the greatest of joys and a heart filled with tears of bliss. Someday when I rise from my sleep I will smile because you are there by my side and not in front of me selfish and alone.

Dreams or reality...

Running, searching for the right place, no, no, not there, that is way too obvious. Frantically, I slip into a place that fit so snug it felt as if it was made for me. Through the silence of the darkness I could hear my breath feeding life to my soul, my heart beating against my chest so fiercely my body rocked back and forth to the rhythm. My eyes never had to adjust I always saw him coming as if I were a cat in the night. Black was his color every time he visited. Calm down and breathe, slower, my heartbeat at a rabbit’s pace I had to stop it. Timing my intake, letting it out slowly only took it down one notch. His face was always covered, his eyes could have been brown, blue, green or black but to me they were always red. Hunting me as he floated around the room coming ever so close to my position, my ears ached in the silence as if they were going to bleed from the anxiety of waiting. His hand gripped the shining weapon that he carried with ease, as I was pulled almost whisperingly mesmerized by it’s beauty, it was calling my name over and over again. Focusing on its piercing splendor I inched forward to meet it with my flesh, it felt like it was my destiny to be cleansed by this beast. Snapping back from my insanity retreating into my hiding place his face seemed to glare right into mine. I held on to myself by leaving my body to walk alone as my soul drifted above me. My whole function of life left me there cold and alone. I observe him urgently pace about realizing he lost his scent of my fear, flipping the knife down instead of up he slowly turned on his heals looked up as I looked down and without words he spoke to me. Stalking me, eluding him as a child he haunted my nights over and over again and I vowed never to become his possession.

Reoccuring leaf...

Funny thing, I don't remember midnight at all this year. How ironic, maybe I didn't want to see it coming. Maybe, just maybe, I wanted to forget that another year had gone by filled with questions. Where am I going? What am I doing? When will I wake up and realize? I stop, think and find myself in complete amazement that I actually live on my own. When the hell did that happen? How do I even do it all alone?

My mind races to all those annoying questions. When will I get my bills paid off? If I could just get one cut down I know I could move without a hitch. There is always something waiting in the dark ready to spring out at me. Pay this, pay that. Shit, why do I even worry about it?

And then the dreaded question that has haunted my soul ever since I was five, I remember sitting on the floor wondering to myself, my mind ticking. Tick, tick, tick, beating on my brain asking where will I go when I die? I mean really I will not be here anymore so where will I go? I will not be here anymore. No more, nothing, empty, gone, nonexistent, alive no longer, my heart that once beat will stop and I will be no longer. Spiraling down, deeper, deeper, my heart races faster, faster as I stare out into space. Here I am alive worried about where I will be dead. Around and around the questions go through my body almost consuming me in darkness and even fear. I would jolt out of my trance and tell myself to get up and just walk it off. On and off since that day I have come full circle numerous times debating this subject with myself.

The next time was fourteen. Around and around I fall, a loud snap comes from nowhere and I jolt back to reality. Nineteen, what will happen? Twenty-three, waking up in the morning looking in the mirror asking, why am I here? Twenty-seven, falling into a trance, people talking in the background and once again the haunted theories rap upon my heart with a boom, boom, BOOM where will I go when I die? Why must I ponder this question? Why must I weigh a lot of questions that have haunted me since I was small? Tonight starts the images that have followed me up until now. Image one, death and what becomes of us?