Beauty for Ashes

Humans make mistakes, we all have our transgressions. Our birth was not planned with the expectations that we would be perfect. He made all of us with unique attributes that align us on the path he has destined for us to bring good into the world for all mankind. 

To move forward we must truly repent our sins and talk to God to understand His message; for in this He is redirecting us back on the path He planned for us. 

Job 33:27-30 (NLV)

27 He will sing to men and say, ‘I have sinned and have not done what is right, but He did not punish me. 
28 He has kept my soul from going to the grave. And my life will see the light.’

29 “See, God does all these things twice, even three times, to a man, 
30 to turn back his soul from the grave, that he may see the light of life.

We waiver, we fight, we struggle with His message and at times we find ourselves reliving a vicious circle of similarity over and over again. No matter how hard we dig in our heals He will keep coming at us until His light breaks through. We must open our hearts to listening, so we can awaken and use His message for good, go boldly in His direction and do not waste His word; make the change needed to stay on the righteous path. Like children, we object: "Everyone else is doing it!", or "I used to be able to!", when God "meddles with our affairs" and we go on. As we repent we need to also be open to receiving God's mercy - move toward Him, do not live guilty and condemned. He wants us to go forward boldly for He is looking for people that have a heart that is right. 

Psalm 103:10-14 (NLV)

10 He has not punished us enough for all our sins. He has not paid us back for all our wrong-doings. 
11 For His loving-kindness for those who fear Him is as great as the heavens are high above the earth. 
12 He has taken our sins from us as far as the east is from the west. 
13 The Lord has loving-pity on those who fear Him, as a father has loving-pity on his children. 
14 For He knows what we are made of. He remembers that we are dust.

In these lessons God is calling us out of mercy and there comes a point in time that we need to go into obedience. Eventually it dawns on all of us that we cannot "get away with" unrepentant sin. It's as if God gradually withdraws his mercy after we have come to a knowledge of the truth. God's mercy has served it's purpose, now it is time for obedience. Some of us have already experienced the dramatic extent of how far God will go to form "Christ in us". When the fear of God hits us, our prayers for deliverance from sin are finally answered; God literally scares the hell out of us! This is our wake up call, He is saying, "Listen and obey!" 

1 Peter 4:17-18 (NLV)

17 The time has come for Christians to stand before God and He will judge. If this happens to us, what will happen to those who do not obey the Good News of God? 

18 If it is hard for a man who is right with God to be saved, what will happen to the sinner?

Never forget we are His children, He is our Father. We are the center of His desire, He sees the good within us and for us. We must live to make Him proud for he loves us greatly. He has a greater purpose for our future, so we must listen and obey in order to continue moving forward on our path of righteousness in faith and hope. Take just one single step towards God and He will come running for us with love. 

Romans 12:1 (NLV)

12 Christian brothers, I ask you from my heart to give your bodies to God because of His loving-kindness to us. Let your bodies be a living and holy gift given to God. He is pleased with this kind of gift. This is the true worship that you should give Him.

Always remember, God will give us beauty for ashes.

Isaiah 61:3 (NLV)

3 To those who have sorrow in Zion I will give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes. I will give them the oil of joy instead of sorrow, and a spirit of praise instead of a spirit of no hope. Then they will be called oaks that are right with God, planted by the Lord, that He may be honored.

Allow new growth and bear fruit by surrendering this all to God. Give him your confessions, repent your sins, accept His forgiveness, move forward in Him. What He does in return will be so filled with love wrapped around you in the brightest warmest light you have ever felt; appreciate with gratitude His gracious mercy and accept it with an open heart. For this you will come out better, stronger and more beautiful that ever before; He shall heal and restore you anew.

John 15:2 (NLV)

2 He takes away any branch in Me that does not give fruit. Any branch that gives fruit, He cuts it back so it will give more fruit.

You are loved, you hold a glorious light, and you have a good heart that shines. 

Always, 

Chantelle 

Take Time to Learn Your Lesson

Have you ever had someone define you, your whole existence, who you are inside and out, by one chosen moment? They take no heed of anything else. All that is good in you simply doesn't matter. It's not an enjoyable place to be is it? 

We say we forgive, but we still condemn. It's humanity. We say we are flexible, resilient, and yet, we hear the snap of our branches. We hold others high until they fall, whether big or small, then we give them the "scarlet letter"... 

All of us have stood in this place at one time or another. We are the sinners, and yet, we are the ones condemning. 

How do we redeem ourselves? If you truly love, hope, and have faith how do you move forward?

You made a mistake. That mistake now defines you in the eyes of the person you hold dear; you respect, love, and honor this person secondary to the Saviour, in the image of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Tears won't cease, your heart won't stop it's rapid dance, because you are in a place that feels like drowning, cold, unwelcome. You've confessed your sin to the Lord, you have stated the facts of your behavior out loud for others to hear, and as God forgives you, this person is unable to see your light, your heart, or your soul anymore. Your deepest apology goes to how your mistake made them feel. As your body moved while your mind was blank, these moments though you are unable to replay still haunt you.

As most of us, you are your own worst critic and how you feel is tenfold. Your heart is broken; yet, you are determined to praise your Love beyond all means to everyone. Your vision is on His light and the light He's graced within you. He believes in you, He knows you are worthy of a second chance, He embraces you in His blessing. Ask the Lord that He give you strength to move forward in honor, respect for yourself in mind, body, and soul. To allow you the chance to bestow upon Him your deepest gratitude for His sacrifice, for His love, kindness, and forgiveness. 

How do you break through to the person that you love? Move forward in God. Be honest with your feelings. Leave it up to the Lord. 

Reflect on what you have learned. What is the lesson? 

My Truth, For You

My value is I'm honest, I'm loyal, and I will always be who I am. 

I won't leave when the going gets rough. 

I'll weather the storm. 

Life isn't easy at times, we will go through our lowest of lows, and in those times I'll support you. 

I'll be a positive force. 

Vice versa. 

If I'm going to choose the person standing next to me then the characteristics most valuable are endurance, integrity, and persistence. 

I pray, I have faith, and to that, I ask of you to be true to who you are, do the right thing by cutting out the needless noise and focus on now. 

Today. 

If I'm standing before you vulnerable giving you my heart and soul it is because I'm willing to endure what life puts before us. 

You and I. 

I love you and everything else is just noise.

© Chantelle 

He touches me in the night...
Silently playing me as his instrument, searching for that particular count. Waiting for his talents to utter a breath of life- a note, a song...
Oh you bring me to a high, so high I arch up to meet my player.

He loves me blindly, sees through me into my core...
Digs for what is inside and extracts it out like an archeologist searching for that treasurer he knows, he believes is there....never stopping.
Waiting for that moment to show me that I shine-a smile, my muse...
Oh you stand by me through it all, so supportive I walk with pride.

He walks beside me, listening and talking-my best friend...
Gives me the shoulder I look for in sadness, the arms to hold me when I need support, a heart to lull me when I am scared-my building protecting me from the storm.
A safe place for me to go when times seem hectic or overwhelming...
Calming me...

He is wonderful.

I'm back!!!!!!!

These days have rushed by me as if I have fallen into a warp of time. My writing has taken me to a different outlet called myspace. I knew people were reading there because I could see the numbers rising everyday-however I feel this is a bit more laid back and private. Even though it is posted for all to see, I don't feel too many open this realm to read quite often. I feel I will be coming back here to express my mind. So in essense I am welcoming myself back to writing.......

Dear Anonymous

Hi, nice to meet you :) I see you have some issues. Would you care to talk about them? Obviously we all need help at some point so I am willing to listen.

Don't hide behind your anonymity, learn how to type properly and please if you are going to try and hurt someone's feelings don't make them laugh in the process. You can't hurt someone who knows the truth about themselves. I am a strong person inside and out. I will not break and I will never be afraid of who you are.. so my words are either show your face coward or if not then fuck off while finding someone else to try and break.

Lovingly,
Chantelle

Nightmares...

They pull me from my slumber to the depths of their own personal hell. I am left alone digging and clawing for what seems like days, hours, minutes writhing in sweat all the while screaming for anything that will take my hand and pull me out of this dispair. My throat closes in as I gasp for breath, if you were watching me you would see that I am really choking. Who is hunting me at night, trying to take my soul from my own shell sucking the life from my body as I am defenseless? I feel your pain as you give it to me in passing, I understand what you have gone through in your own lessons of life. If it makes you feel better that I am suffering then right now you are happy. I have seen the blood, I have felt the warmth of it gush out from my wounds, I have felt myself slip away slowly reaching up for one last surge of hope. One day you will succeed but I can't say my fight will not destroy you in the process. If one has to fall then both of us will, yet I can't have your parasite sucking me dry any longer. Standing guard, I will give you a showdown and I may collapse soon; yet, one thing remains a constant my soul will never be yours.

Silent song...

I miss you and you haven't even come yet.
I've seen you and haven't even felt you yet.
I reach for you and you aren't even here.
My emotions rise in 2-D and I want to kiss you.
The roller coaster you ride brings me to highs and then to incredible lows.
You confuse me with what you say.
My stomach flips when you call.
Your voice soothes my soul.
You make me smile even when I am sad.
You bring me to tears, frustrated....
Give anything to be by your side always, forever.
So far away, I would run to you...
Give anything to be by your side.
Exit my world to enter yours, to sit on your bed and watch you.
Happiness.
Family.
Love.

I feel it. I feel you. I feel the spark.
How do I tell you? How do I explain it? How do I ask you? How do I get to you?
What can I say... to get you to understand? I don't think I have to explain much. You know what you feel. You let it out slowly, random, bit by bit. Is it real? Yes.

Life, Desire, Frustrations, Emotions, Dreams, Heartbeats.... Pulse bringing life to what I feel inside. To think of you makes my heart flutter, rapid, deep, pounding.... to think of me by your side everyday, waking up next to you, hugging you when I want to, I want to keep you forever... my heart sings it's silent song to you.

My biggest compliment-you inspire me, make me happy and a better person for knowing you.

Tears... 

Our future lies...

Walking, wondering, wishing, waiting.... what am I here for? Life, love, happiness what more do you need in life. Who is out there with the same goals, same moment in life where they are ready? Options-Never settle-Save it for you, special-one last time. Floating, Frustrated, Moved by you. Wanting, hoping, feeling, emotion.... question, really what will it take?

Have I found you? Should I let myself slide? Are we making music together... Reaching out, feeling you, hearing your heartbeating for me, your eyes looking in mine and I am brought to tears... I smile.

Coming into myself-a place of independence, a place of confidence, able to walk tall alone... My door is open to acceptance and I stand and wait for you to walk in and take me with you.

I will never settle for anything when I am looking for you...

Obsessed with the sun, pulled by the moon as the stars shine down and keep me company I will always be your angel protecting you throughout countless years. My purpose is to make you a better man.

I know what I want and what I want is in you.

Happiness.
Love.
Family.
Strength.

Within your eyes... truth.

Burning Soul...

Falling through, inner warrior slipping.
Lost as soon as the physical leaves, as hands release it's power back to the maker.
Given for a purpose-the strength of all ties will deceive.
Stubborn downfalls-done everything to protect the blind.
Warrior on the outside settles young yet powerless.
Soon left with nothing the walls of the empire crumble.
The support, strength, heart, love, magic has now vanished.
Even the one sided friendship which has never been true-is gone.
Stand alone-since day one?- no- yet now be it true.
Mutual standing will never be in the things the heart desires.
No one will believe in heart- cry and fall my love - try to prove the eyes that watch, show the fight but become exhausted as these eyes show their disapproving interest lost.

What is left? My warrior... sparking within the burning soul.
Slipping- one day it will need to be saved - one day soon it will be gone.
The strength of a warrior comes from the hearts truest desires, truth...not deceit.

Walk away...

The moment you get hope is the moment someone fucks it up again. Who knows where you are or what you are doing, but I can't wait around. I will never feel like I did before again with anyone, not even you. I have lost all hope in love. I surrender to trying, I no longer look for anyone who is meant to be. Seems when I rise I fall, so I no longer wish to rise. I am too nice to everyone and never nice to myself. Today, I am finished trying it's time someone else tried. Perhaps someone can show me what love is and I challenge you to do so; however, I don't believe that it is possible, I don't see it being possible and I understand everything.

So with it all out, I let you walk away silently only to look back and wonder how my road would lead you.

Hope...

I feel it inside. I am not sure if I could let go just yet. I laugh, I smile but I already know so much that would make me sad. This is what they don't know, this is how they are timid and shy. I feel life loving me and giving me my warning signs. I am lucky in a sense yet unlucky on the other hand. As I walk through my shadows and come up on light. I sense myself stopping to look at how bright it seems to be outside of the darkness. I build and build these gorgeous foundations only to watch them fall before me, destroyed by catastrophes of living, feeling, emotion, and heart. I want to build again and perhaps my foundation needs a new method. I feel I have that potential underlying in myself. Slowly I will find myself warming to the light beating down upon my skin and once again I will feel alive like never before. I will reach out and grab your hand and you will bring me back to who I really am. Then you will proceed to bring me out of what I once called myself, into what I am in reality. Nothing will be held back, keep that as a warning, nothing will be missed between you and I. As I walk between our intertwined dreams I want to look into your eyes and feel safe, protected and at ease with who we are to each other. In that gaze, we are lost while the world offers its vitality to us.

Reason

Tonight alone in my room I went through emotions, feelings, sickness, being lonely. I keep myself busy as much as I can but I still think about you. It's hard to feel left behind, to feel betrayed...but I have faith in one thing. My soul is too bright to be forgotten. I am a good girl, better than most out there and I know this inside myself.

To quote a song, "I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know. I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be.. a reason to start over new and the reason is you. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through. I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears. Thats why I need you to hear, I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be.. a reason to start over new. And the reason is you. I'm not a perfect person, I never meant to do those things to you and so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know.. I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new.. and the reason is you. I found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know a reason for all that I do.. and the reason is you."

Drained of my own words.

Story never changes...there is a reason that black and white has a right answer...

2.939925468 14

I'm not as strong as you make me out to be, it is true my words ring out the air of toughness. If I was weak I would not be here; hence, survival of the fittest. The words I ring to you are what I need to say. Taking what I say out of context only makes confusion amongst your own self. I have given you all of who I am, the good, the bad, the ugly and there is nothing more inside of me to reveal. Today the good out shines the bad. Yet, the pain I feel makes me cry and I am not ashamed of showing my emotions. Condemn me if you must, but I will still cry, still let you know how I feel. You dislike me for what you loved, dislike me for what you brought out of me and now I sit here alone. After everything I have given, everything I have endured, I must let it all go. I have learned a lot, I have become a new person and I hope you will realize that some day. I have never cheated on you, never put you down to anyone and always stood by your side. Yet, no I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I have yelled, screamed, gone unbelieveably crazy, been irrational at times and I am glad I have had the chance to step back. I can tell the world what I have done and still stand. I am not ashamed of who I have been and I am glad I am here today but get one thing straight-I am strong but only as strong as your eyes make me for when I tell you I am lonely those words are completely true. Never did I want to see you walk away, never did I lie about our standings, but darling dear we were on and off-when you told me to see other people, what is that to me? When you moved out, what is that to me? When you didn't talk to me-honestly, what is that to me? You can not say that we were not on and off.

I pray you will clear up the clouds that loom over your head. I don't know how you are going to open or if you ever will. I wish you the best of luck and through it all, everything-laughter, smiles, playing, looking in your eyes, holding you/holding me, struggles in life, triumphs, crying, those moments of life... I will always be there for you no matter what. I am not sure if you would do the same for me but, I can always hope that you will once again be real. I will always love the truth in you, I will always love every part of the puzzle that makes us complicated. Everything happens for a reason-hopefully the shards of emotion pulled out of both of us brings us down to earth.

Love,
"the internet thug"

He says...

"if you die, I'll miss you."

There is a reason as to why I care so much. A reason for everything. I can normally let go, normally walk away. These feelings are not the same as others. Why is it I care, why is it you hurt me, why is it my tears make you happy?

So dying could mean walking in the world yet dissapearing from you. So if I vanish, would you miss me then. Because if I am dead then what good would it be to miss me at that moment? For when I am dead there is nothing you can say, nothing you can do... to be honest I am dying inside.

Everyday for five minutes...

There is this or that? What I thought I wanted or what I have experienced? This situation or that one? I use to think I wanted you. I use to think I wanted to be married. I use to think I wanted that family. I still feel it. Mornings are lonely. The pulling is still there. If I move through it, it goes away. Nights are easier because I am exhausted. I try to find ways to make my mind forget. I don't know if you will ever go away. I don't know if that is what I want. I don't know whether it would be right or wrong. I feel it's forced. So forced is how it will be. I find myself sitting for hours contemplating will this happen or perhaps that? I am in love with love. I love to be held, touched, looked at, hugged...I love to laugh, play, flirt,dance, sing...I want to cherish someone and I want someone to cherish me. So I wish.

By your side...Feb 16th, 2005

I want to extend my best wishes to you and everyone grieving in this sad time. I pray that everything works out smoothly and happiness overtakes the situation with bright memories of those that past. No one can stop the inevitable from happening and at the same time no one can stop the soul from living on. A soul will always thrive in smiles and laughter bringing warmness to those hearts that experienced all the special moments in life with the one they loved so dear. May any tears that are shed wipe away the sadness and heal the wounds of loss. Life will move on differently as it did before, with immense love and luck, for everyone who was touched will have one more angel on their side.

My sincerest regards,

Love,Chantelle
2/16/2005

January 24th,2005

This journey of trials, stories and life leads us on a road that sometimes seems bumpy other times smooth as ice. Reflections bring tears, happiness even heart break as we walk on toward what we make of the road that lies ahead. Silence brings clarity, clarity brings understanding and understanding brings peace in the mist of haze. When my eyes close I dream of what makes my heart happy, not even in these dreams can anyone be made to love another in a way that they should be. In a perfect world no one walks ahead of the one they love, no one talks down, they are respected on every level, moods and personal issues do not reflect upon that person, even when friends are around this person treats the one they love with the same amount of tenderness they would show even if they weren't there. There are always times when two people joke around and have fun poking and prodding, wrestling and giggling.

Tears fill the voids when I am alone. Streams of salt water rush out of my eyes as I sit alone and listen to music, write or even draw. I find myself wanting something more in my heart. I know I am worth loving, I know I have given up a lot of myself to this emptiness. I spend days alone not even talking to anyone. On the outside I force myself to look happy. The tears come randomly everyday, it seems as though if I don't cry then I am not putting my whole heart into what I am doing. I lay in bed cold and separated from who I am. I wish for anything to come along and sweep me up from this abyss. I fall asleep to the silence of my thoughts, to the silence of my voice in my mind. What would I give for someone to wrap their arms around me, what I would give for that love?

I reach out beside myself and find that there is nothing to hold. I see this illusion of what could be there but always when I am staggering I try to hold it's hand and I fall. I am not sure how long I can fall before I die inside. I can make it, I can make it, I can, I can but I want this love. I want this love, this life that fulfills me, surrounds me constantly taunting me with it's presence. Every time I am around it I reach for it's light and I wish so deeply that it would just crack wide open and let my beauty shine along with it. One day peace will come along side me on this road. One day my smile will be true and I will look up and the warmth of that loving hand will help me up from where I have been sitting and we will walk together, side by side. In hopes of embarking on this joy I close my eyes at night and lay in the darkness to get closer to your light, your truth, your love.

Writing by Chantelle
January 24th, 2005

Better than a feeling...

Been through those times where I thought I would never get anything, never have anything, do anything, be loved as though I were the most beautiful girl in the world and I fell into this spinning feeling of self loss. I have fought my way back to who I am inside, who I am to the world. To those feelings of nothing good will come I look up towards the bright blue sky and think of the past and think of the future and say fuck that. I am better than a feeling, I am a person who has so much inside that the whole world is missing out if I don't unleash it. So to the stresses of everyday, to the loss I have endured, to the love that isn't wanted, to the dumbass who scratched my car.. I just want to say.. fuck you, for you will not stop who I am meant to be. So come on world keep it coming I'm ready.

Slipping

Ends into beginnings..
This house use to be a home,
and now I am all alone.
It changes everyday,
while you just fade away.

Old souls, truth, it's okay...

At night I ask to see what is before me, every night I dream only to end up walking through out the day with bits and pieces of my life; up until this point I didn't realize the true meaning of it all. I can't live life in the past, only to move on with the memories of friends and hopefully keep the truth of people I have known. The truth is real, truth stays with you and keeps you going. Many people in the world don't know what it is like to know a soul so well, to be able to leave only to come back years later and still know someone inside and out. That is what I live for and have been finally blessed with after these short but long years. These souls will be with me though out heaven, earth and beyond life. My world has been splashed with white, shaded with black and recently been brought to gray. I have been given joy, brought down and now sit on a middle ground knowing I will always stand strong. Today, I walk through this world able to be the teacher I have always been for others and now teaching myself how to respect who I have become as an individual. Here in life I stand for a purpose that I will soon figure out.

What do the five fingers say to the face?

SLAP!!!!

Two earth plates are rubbing together with so much force that your whole world will be destroyed if you do not do something about the friction and you have the solution to reverse the whole process. Would you use it or just sit on it for awhile and hope maybe it will fix itself in enough time? Ding, ding, ding...

Huff, puff, sigh, roll your eyes, slouch, raise your voice, walk away, put me down, run, squirm, slam doors and leave all while I am trying to talk. Is this the way you get me to lose my point? Deep inside you know I have one. Is it not your way? If it is not the way you plan can you handle it? Perhaps run away from it maybe it will fix itself? Shall I cave in again? Should it be that big of a deal when there are principles and morals and love involved? When I look over by my side are you going to be there? When I slip and fall will you up pick me up? Some days I feel as though our world is full of lies, which brings up the saying, "what wicked webs we weave when we set out to deceive." We walk on equal ground yet we have played it in different ways, you still have your honor and I am the devil in carnate. The ones who condemn me see me in director's eyes, the way I should be played out as written in your script, but I am a person who like everyone else has their sorrows, mistakes and failures and in the end learns from those stumbles along the way; however, they haven't read the true story, the one that is really the life between us. I have come to find that I know you all to well. I love you but I am not the only one who has to grow. Within myself I see how I have grown and I know you do too. Inside I know you want to change, yet you let it out bits at a time and then once it is let go you snap it back in again. Truth be told I wanted to love that "butterfly effect" of what can be or could have been and now it is all up to you for this "game" should not be played much longer.

Farewell

I secretly cherish all the moments,
wrapped up in hours, minutes, seconds.
As the clock ticks on I should protect you,
yet I'm preparing to let you die.
I hope you know somehow I want you,
I struggle to say goodbye.

Cherishing every moment,
as the clock ticks on inside.
I want to protect you,
but I am preparing to let you die.
And though I really love you,
I'm told it's best to say goodbye.

Bad or Good...

Not ready for what is here. If I had a choice I would tell it to go away until it was time. I am not sure if it is coming or what will happen. Ashamed in a way that it is now. Old I sit here, old it seems anyway. Now or never runs through my head. What would it be like? Am I ready? Definitely not alone. I can't do it alone. Is this age enduring, will it be enough years to support? Can my wishes come true and make it all go away? Every night since I felt it, every night since my mind told me the what if, I have wished it away. If I wish it away will it curse me in the future? This is my secret and I am not sure if I can live it again.

Hoping, wishing, swimming...

This space is empty...
If I fall, will I be empty my whole life?
Is it normal to sit alone, staring at moving pictures with tears silently streaming from your eyes?
Why can't you give me the love I deserve-
it's not that you can't, my heart sighs...
it is that you won't...
This is the reason each slow steady trip of salt water eats away at my heart.
Alone, I sit in emptiness listening to the waves of my man-made ocean.

The paths we take...

When you find that the road you are walking down becomes redundant you decide to run. As you are running the surroundings pass by without notice until one day you find that you have been running down too straight of a line. Skidding to a stop your feet glide along a different path. Who ever knew there were paths underneath this dirt that lead in all different directions? It takes the people who are brave enough to stop running and take a look at what is real around them to realize every direction you turn is an opportunity.

From my soul, to my hands I create the beauty that reflects my love...

On my easel I drew, while I was thinking of the one I loved, why I loved him and how I would make it through the evening. My head has ached for two days now, this irritating, constant pulsing behind my eyes, but that doesn’t matter because last night the phone rang. Chirping in the early morning hours it came earlier than expected which brought a sense of calmness over my body. Soothing, the voice on the other line eased my tense soul and brought a smile to my face. Early into the morning my contentment carried me to read, paint and write all in a few hours astonishing me at how much I can get done when I am eternally happy, just content being loved and at home by myself. Essentially knowing in my heart that he loves me made me realize that these past few days have been what I have been searching for months to find. As I sit here, I pray that it will only get healthier and my steps will be forward in this process. Tonight, I dream of spontaneity between us, I yearn for the little things and of the life I have coveted since I was a child. Let us capture this shining light forever, leave behind what is going on outside, now I am serene in creating simultaneously with my mind and hands emitting all the love I possess out in my art and my words, baring myself as if I am standing naked, today it appears that I am stripped, open and ready to love.

Contemplating the bar scene...

“I don’t have fun when you go out with me.” Let’s dissect this sentence. Before we do let me give you some background on this situation. I have not been out (to a club or bar) with my boyfriend and his friends or just my boyfriend for that matter in since November. Just about every weekend Friday and Saturday, particularly Saturdays he drops me like dead weight to hang out with his friends and I am never invited. On top of that I hardly ever see him during the day on these Saturdays either. Time with him during the weekends consists of Sunday during the day or evening until around eight at night and I am ushered out the door.

A while back we use to go to the bars all the time together. He was my best friend and he would treat me like a person instead of an old stuffed animal you kick around for the hell of it. So I asked, "What is different when you go out with me then when you go out without me?" Answer: I am militant. Where ever I go there is drama. I say, there are things I don’t like and if I don’t like it well damn it I am going to tell you. I have always been like that and it will never change. I am straightforward and tell you what I see. The flirting with other girls I am not a big fan of but what girlfriend would be? Is this the type of militant you are talking about?

Also, I am told his friends do not like hanging out with me either (at the bars) but they like to hang out in other environments. Ah, what? Don’t blame it on your friends! What is the difference between the bars and other environments? Could it be the girls? If there is anything else let me know. Why must you go out to the bars all the time if you have a girlfriend? Reason: the “friends” do not have girlfriends, so they are looking. What is your reason? The world is a wonderful place filled with numerous things to do besides go to a bar and waste money on drinks and a cover just to stand there and look at girls that don’t “measure up” when you are sober. My conclusion is that you like to go to the bars with out me because you are talking, flirting, dancing, getting numbers, or hunting and talking to girls for your friends who can’t do it themselves.

Let’s switch for a moment, I will be “the boyfriend” personality as a girl, going to the bars without my boyfriend would be awesome because I could talk to any guy that came up to me or I could care less about that person yet either way it is so intriguing to be able to talk to someone new. If I was asked to dance then I could if I wanted and say “screw it” no one is here to watch me so I don’t have to “walk on egg shells”. They will ask me if I have a boyfriend, what would I say? Would I say I didn’t have a man, a man who is sitting at home waiting for me to call him so that he knows I am okay or to come get me if I need a ride, a man who is at home painting a beautiful picture for me because he loves me, a man who will be there for me through anything and who wants to see me because I make him happy for the time that I am there when all the empty moments are torture.

When we are together I want everyone to know you are with me, I am so proud of you and all that you do and it brings tears to my eyes to think that all I am is bashed around your friends. At night when I am sleeping I remember the time we ended up at the same club, I was happy because I got to see you and I bought a new outfit for you and I wanted you to see it, but when I walked up to you all I got was silence. You looked at me and laughed, whispering to your friends and standing there with a smile on your face. My happiness quickly turned to questions. Being myself I asked you what was wrong? But nothing you said made sense so after standing by my boyfriend for about ten minutes of awkwardness and pure emotional pain I turned around and went to the bar. When I came back you had left the club without saying goodbye. What was that all about?

Honestly, if I were asked by someone this question, “When your man goes out do you think he would tell a girl that he had a girlfriend even if she was pretty?” Sadly, I have no idea. I would hope the answer would be yes because I am a good person, because I should be your best friend, because you respect me, because I am beautiful and for many other reasons. I admit I am not perfect and I do have things that I need to get over but I can not fix things unless I am given the chance. I feel I am being road blocked and that frustrates me because every thing that irks me is every thing we end up talking about. If it were ever acknowledged we could move on but it is just pushed to the side as dust covers it like snow creating that security blanket for you but I remember it. I remember these moments because they are what cause the hurt inside of me. I wish that one of these days I will no longer be dating that college boy who wants to go to the bars all the time to be “that guy” but I will be with the man who respects me and listens to my feelings and concerns.

Yes, you can come in...

Welcome to my mind, my heart and to my passions of my soul. In the past there was one who would read through my hand written stories, my journals, my soul only to taint them with their ugliness and negativity toward anything beautiful that came from my mind. A fight ensued one day and everything came crumbling down upon my body as if I had been thrown in a building with the walls quickly rushing down upon me as I frantically clawed to get out turning only to have no where to go, caged as if I were an animal trapped. These words I write down are precious, sacred and mine. They are combinations that no one else can possess, no one else can witness unless I allow it to be seen. Reflecting back to the past, those words that were arranged so carefully were taken away from me because of one's greediness for a doorway to my soul that is never open for the unwanted. Those writings were burnt in the driveway of my home. I sat here and watched you read on the other day as he had in the past making me feel as if I were being beaten and raped of my feelings, emotions and soul. All my pain, all my tears, all my strength for life is poured out on paper and has been trespassed on once again. However, the difference between then and now is that I invite you in after so rudely swinging open my unlocked door. I hand over the key because I love and most of all consider you a friend above everything else.

Expectations: Roller coaster ride for two?

I heard that the person who cares the least is the person who controls the situations. I can see how this statement can be true. Everyday I devote myself to making good choices and finding the right paths with strategic thought processes. No matter how nice, how understanding, how sweet and good there always seems to be a rift. Speaking your mind to a person who tells you that this is the way it is, this is the way it should be, you must do this or that in order to get this conclusion. My rebuttal consists of it is not one person telling the other what to do but expressing how something makes you feel. In seconds I can see the wall of separation and the retreat of personality, inching back and out with the rise of selfishness and emotionless exits. Yell at me, tell me who you think I am. Keep yelling at me, keep telling me what I do wrong. Yell at me as I look up at you and hurt inside. Step back, leave and figure it out yourself. Play your games but when you come back from whatever made you mean don’t act as though you love me, don’t play with me when no one is around then turn evil once they enter the room, don’t talk to me nice for hours then at a moments notice turn into the ass you are so good at being. Every time you run out only to come back to expect me to be that stone cold rock that never changes. Stop to realized that I have changed, think about all the shit I take that I never took before and for what? What do I get in this experience? All these feelings wrapped up in a tight ball of choking frustration pulls me deeper into this roller coaster of excitement and wonder paralleled with fear of when you are going to snap again. The joys are heights I have never been to and the pains are lows that are deeper then hell itself. You take me away from what I need to be yet here I stand strong for you, strong for me nevertheless strong enough to walk on my own where you left me only to creep in when it feels right for who you are now. This ride needs to stop at some point. I am an individual this I have figured out for myself, my soul, my life but as an individual I am a puzzle piece of a whole conglomerate that pulls together the big picture of who I am and one piece will only be found by that one person who treats me with the respect, love, and the same support I reflect out upon my love, in essence it must be a mirror image of someone from my parallel world, with thoughts of surprise that bring the greatest of joys and a heart filled with tears of bliss. Someday when I rise from my sleep I will smile because you are there by my side and not in front of me selfish and alone.

Dreams or reality...

Running, searching for the right place, no, no, not there, that is way too obvious. Frantically, I slip into a place that fit so snug it felt as if it was made for me. Through the silence of the darkness I could hear my breath feeding life to my soul, my heart beating against my chest so fiercely my body rocked back and forth to the rhythm. My eyes never had to adjust I always saw him coming as if I were a cat in the night. Black was his color every time he visited. Calm down and breathe, slower, my heartbeat at a rabbit’s pace I had to stop it. Timing my intake, letting it out slowly only took it down one notch. His face was always covered, his eyes could have been brown, blue, green or black but to me they were always red. Hunting me as he floated around the room coming ever so close to my position, my ears ached in the silence as if they were going to bleed from the anxiety of waiting. His hand gripped the shining weapon that he carried with ease, as I was pulled almost whisperingly mesmerized by it’s beauty, it was calling my name over and over again. Focusing on its piercing splendor I inched forward to meet it with my flesh, it felt like it was my destiny to be cleansed by this beast. Snapping back from my insanity retreating into my hiding place his face seemed to glare right into mine. I held on to myself by leaving my body to walk alone as my soul drifted above me. My whole function of life left me there cold and alone. I observe him urgently pace about realizing he lost his scent of my fear, flipping the knife down instead of up he slowly turned on his heals looked up as I looked down and without words he spoke to me. Stalking me, eluding him as a child he haunted my nights over and over again and I vowed never to become his possession.

Reoccuring leaf...

Funny thing, I don't remember midnight at all this year. How ironic, maybe I didn't want to see it coming. Maybe, just maybe, I wanted to forget that another year had gone by filled with questions. Where am I going? What am I doing? When will I wake up and realize? I stop, think and find myself in complete amazement that I actually live on my own. When the hell did that happen? How do I even do it all alone?

My mind races to all those annoying questions. When will I get my bills paid off? If I could just get one cut down I know I could move without a hitch. There is always something waiting in the dark ready to spring out at me. Pay this, pay that. Shit, why do I even worry about it?

And then the dreaded question that has haunted my soul ever since I was five, I remember sitting on the floor wondering to myself, my mind ticking. Tick, tick, tick, beating on my brain asking where will I go when I die? I mean really I will not be here anymore so where will I go? I will not be here anymore. No more, nothing, empty, gone, nonexistent, alive no longer, my heart that once beat will stop and I will be no longer. Spiraling down, deeper, deeper, my heart races faster, faster as I stare out into space. Here I am alive worried about where I will be dead. Around and around the questions go through my body almost consuming me in darkness and even fear. I would jolt out of my trance and tell myself to get up and just walk it off. On and off since that day I have come full circle numerous times debating this subject with myself.

The next time was fourteen. Around and around I fall, a loud snap comes from nowhere and I jolt back to reality. Nineteen, what will happen? Twenty-three, waking up in the morning looking in the mirror asking, why am I here? Twenty-seven, falling into a trance, people talking in the background and once again the haunted theories rap upon my heart with a boom, boom, BOOM where will I go when I die? Why must I ponder this question? Why must I weigh a lot of questions that have haunted me since I was small? Tonight starts the images that have followed me up until now. Image one, death and what becomes of us?

Forward...

Turn and look at me, see how I search your soul for something to believe, turn and watch me leave you. I stand before you stronger than I have ever been before, yet when I walk away tears stream down my checks hotter than the sun on my skin. You see how I shine as my shadow slowly creeps your way while I walk into the sunset. Just when you think it is time to reach for me you come to find only the cold darkness of my former self. As I walk to a new door and reach for the handle I stop to reflect upon my love for you. In the beginning I yearned, in the end I cried and now I am walking away. As the door opens I see a future of unknown surroundings and for the first time I am no longer scared of being alone in this world. My first steps are my own and my thoughts stick with me as my true self. I surrender to nothing but my own mistakes and I have made so many up until this point. How many more could there possibly be? How many more lessons are there for me to teach and learn as I step slowly upon my uncharted ground I now call my future.

Feelings...

My life is black and white on paper, my true feelings are in color. My heart knocks on my brain and I am still stuck in the middle of what I have started to end and started to begin. I am stuck in a hole of something that consists of bits of sweetness with shards of destruction. In mind I scream, in heart I trudge forward thinking that maybe those shards will become smooth.

To my best friend who was never there...

I have fought constantly with my emotions and how I feel, what should I do in any circumstance? Everyday I wake up I think of you and how you are doing. My heart just cringes at the thoughts of how you disregarded me. It seems forever since your voice has elated my ears and mind with happiness. All the while I have sat here wanting something, anything, just one speck of hope for a feeling to come from your well of a soul. Debating in my head whether this is right or that is wrong makes every second seem like a war within myself. I dream of future days and of a brighter sun coming down upon me waking up my senses. Praying night after night that my loneliness will disappear.

Standing there in front of me you seem so real. I touch you and you are warm, your eyes when I met you were the deepest blue and now they have faded. I don’t know why, but something has happened to take you away from who you truly are inside. Could it be your sickness over taking you from behind?

Clawing for the right fight...

One year from now I will travel down an uneasy road blind folded yet smiling the whole way due to my utter happiness. Halfway down this path my blind fold will come off and I will be surrounded by warm light caressing my body as if to say welcome to the world. Thank-you for awakening the world to the light of an angel. Nothing brings about so much emotion then the joy of others as my feelings are slowly slipping out of me like the waters of life. The worlds colors and hues will rush off my finger tips from my mind onto cotton fibers. These fibers will hold the very images of the unusual, images that the world only thought existed in their slumbers visions. It will be this moment that the person standing before my art will realize their dreams have come true right before their eyes.